Moving Blog Info For the Twins

I started Shepherding Kind Hearts as my outlet for everything related to homeschooling, motherhood, and homemaking. Shortly after finding out I was pregnant with twins I asked you all where you wanted to receive pregnancy updates and such on the girls. Universally everyone agreed that here on SKH was best. I agreed to continue posting their updates here with the disclaimer that there may come a point in time when I would have to rearrange things for convenience and sanity's sake. That time has come.

Because of the girls' unique situation and our new reality I have decided to no longer post updates on them here but rather on the blog I started a couple months ago for just them. This will give me a better sense of separation between the two blogs. I am passionate about homeschooling and homemaking and I am looking forward to returning this blog to that focus; even if I am not doing a lot of homeschooling or homemaking while living 2 hours away from my family.

If you would like to continue receiving updates on the girls, please join us over at Two Pink Peas in a Pod. You can get updates by email or by google friend connect, I will add Networked Blogs soon if that is your preferred method of reading updates.

Pulmonary Interstitial Emphysema

Pulmonary Interstitial Emphysema, better know in the NICU world as P.I.E.. What is PIE and why am I posting about it? First things first.

What is PIE?

Pulmonary interstitial emphysema (PIE) is a collection of gases outside of the normal air passages and inside the connective tissue of the peribronchovascular sheaths, interlobular septa, and visceral pleura secondary to alveolar and terminal bronchiolar rupture. Pulmonary interstitial emphysema is more frequent in premature infants who require mechanical ventilation for severe lung disease. Once pulmonary interstitial emphysema is diagnosed, intensive respiratory management is required to reduce mortality and morbidity.

Reference: http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/976801-overview, accessed on 2/22/11

Why am I posting about it?

My girls are struggling with PIE. Today Britian has developed PIE in both lobes of her lungs. Yesterday, Jillian had it in her right lung. Britian's has developed suddenly and has progressively gotten worse throughout today. Her Dr.'s are changing the settings on her high frequency jet vent, adding base to her fluids which should help with oxygen saturation, and waiting. We are all waiting, waiting and praying. Mortality and morbidity, those are two terms I can go without ever considering when thinking about my children. But alas, there it is, in black and white, PIE increases mortality and morbidity. Shoot an arrow straight through my heart, emotionally this is a tough one.

No one can tell me why she has developed PIE in both lungs so suddenly. Perhaps it is simply her severe prematurity or maybe the stress from this previous weekend has caught up with her. On Saturday Britian's breathing tube was changed because of an air leak. While changing the breathing tube Dr. Dagle tried her on the CPAP. Britian failed very quickly on the CPAP and the resulting lung issues have been a downward spiral. One of her lungs collapsed Saturday following the CPAP attempt, she was upgraded from the conventional ventilator to the high frequency jet vent, and is now battling PIE in both lobes. All steps in the WRONG direction.

There is a saying the NICU community; the first week is the "honeymoon" period. The girls and I are clearly out of the honeymoon. Physically they are struggling and fighting harder; emotionally I am falling and crashing harder. Before you go and post a comment on faith and hope or on how God is there for me. I know all of this, I truly do. But I am human, it is normal for me to struggle and fall to my knees in prayer.

Our First Setback

I know setbacks are inevitable with micro preemies, honestly and truly I do. My mind knows they are inevitable but my heart feels otherwise. But I am putting all of my faith and trust in God that this is His will for my baby girl and He will continue to provide for and heal her little body according to His perfect timing.

Britian's last sonographer briefly trained me in how to read PDA echo's. So when Jillian's echo was being done today I knew exactly what to look for. I haven't even heard the official diagnosis but I KNOW it is open. So crushing to see the red (returning blood flow) pulsing up through her duct. So here we go with another round of indomethacin, the dug used to close PDAs. Also, Jillian's blood CO2 levels  have been climbing for the past 24 hours. Her conventional vent settings are getting too high in an attempt to lower her total CO2. So back on the high frequency jet vent she goes. Frustrated! But I know she will heal and continue to grow all on her own time.


Thank you for your continued prayers and words of encouragement!

NICU Mom Worries

The list of NICU Mom worries is limitless. Everyday is something different, no two days are the same. You worry about weight gain, heart rates, respiration rates, exam results, blood test results, feedings, progress, and most of all the UNKNOWN. The unknown has to be the hardest of them all. Like all Moms we worry about the well-being and health of our children. A healthy life is almost a given when you give birth full-term but when you have a preemie everything is thrown out the window and instead every quality of life concern floods in. 

Thoughts that have flooded my mind in the last 8 days include:

Will my girls have normal and healthy lives?

Will my girls have normal vision?

Will my girls have special needs including walking, learning, and developmental?

Will my girls struggle with weight gain once they are discharged?

How will their early arrival into this world affect their overall well being and development?

The answers to these questions are almost as limitless as my list of worries. The hard part is that these questions won't be answered for a very long time which leaves me waiting and wondering, stressing and pondering.

During my times of worry though I am comforted by the simple knowledge that our Heavenly Father will get us through each and every hurdle that lay in front of us. A dear friend of mine sent me Romans 15:13 today; May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. 

What a powerful verse to get me through these tough times. My trust in Him truly does fill me with hope and peace. Something that all NICU Moms need on a daily basis, sometimes even just minute to minute.

Edited to add:
In the few minutes that I took to write this last night I clearly did not communicate my true feelings based on the comments. :) I do have a wonderful sense of peace and reassurance that God will get us through anything He will set before us. I know that we will persevere through any of the challenges, this does not worry me at all. I suppose my point in posting my list of worries was to give others a better sense of what goes through NICU Mom's minds as we watch over our babies day after day and also to let other NICU Moms who are reading this know that their worries are completely normal. Worries are normal but we can't let it consume us. Like my Dad always said "Worrying will get you no where, you can't fix anything or change the outcome by worrying."

Quick update on the girls

Things change everyday here in the NICU but because of all of your prayers and support the girls continue to head in the right direction. I know this may not always be the case but we are taking it one day at a time and will give praise for every advancement they make.

Jillian is being taken off of her high frequency ventilator and switched to a regular ventilator. Basically the difference is she will no longer receive constant low level shaking but will be able to lay still in her bed just like her big sister has been doing all along.

Britian will most likely be taken off of her ventilator completely in a day or two. I am feeling anxious about this because we do not have confirmation that her PDA (heart valve) is closed yet. But she is getting another EKG today to check for this. Both girls had slight heart murmur sounds this morning which is the first time anyone has heard murmurs from them.

Both girls are getting my breastmilk today. Britian is up to 3cc 3 times a day and Jillian is getting 2cc 3 times a day. No guarantee how long this schedule will last as they seem to take one dose fine then need to skip a dose or two then resume feeds again. But of course I am always hopeful that each new attempt will put them on the road to full feeds.

Mid-blog post writing update: I just got to speak with Dr. Dagle who is the Neonatologist taking care of the girls for the next 2 weeks and also the one that was on call the night the girls were admitted. He is in agreeance with me that we will not extubate the girls before their PDA closes, yeah! Also, at any time they are ready to graduate to a lower level NICU, it is all based on supply and demand at this point, if a more  critical baby (or babies) come in then my girls can graduate. We are also looking at about a month or so before they can be transferred to the NICU closer to our home. I am happy with that. At least with a goal in mind I can stay a little more sane about the prospect of commuting back and forth between home and the hospital a little better as well as the need to have childcare/help with my older children.

Thank you for all of your prayers! Please keep them coming. I am humbled to my knees with the outpouring of love, support, and prayers that my girls are receiving.

The Best Valentine's Day Gift Ever

Both girls had head scans and EKG's today. The head scans were to check for a brain bleed. Brain bleeds in premature babies can lead to complications such as cerebral palsy. Jillian's first head scan was unclear, it was a maybe, maybe not diagnosis. The EKG for each of the girls was to see if their PDA valve, the heart valve that closes at or soon after birth was closed.

We just got the results!

Praise Him and His mighty hand of healing! Both girls have clear and normal head scans. Upon receiving these words I cried tears of joy. Such amazing news! I could not have asked for a better Valentine's Day gift.

As expected the valve on both girls is still open. Britian's is open just a tiny, tiny bit so we are hopeful that with medication her valve will close. Jillian's is open more so than her sister's but she will still receive the medication to try and close the valve. We will continue praying for them! Heart surgery is not an option I really want to face, but we will take it one day at a time.

It is All About the Little Things in Life

It is All About the Little Things in Life

As I sit here in the wee hours of the morning completing some motherly chores I am struck by the truth of this simple statement, both on a small scale as well as in the bigger picture of life.

In the past 48 hours my life has suddenly and unexpectedly become all about the 2 littlest things in my life. Because of my amazing husband and the outpouring of love and support from friends and family I have been able to concentrate my efforts here, 2 hours from home and the rest of my family, on my girls. My beautiful and perfectly formed baby girls. That is the big picture of the little things in my life.

On a much smaller but often times more encouraging and supportive scale, it is all about the little things in life. The little things like the amazing nursing staff here in the hospital who go out of their way to not only care for me and my girls in a physical manner but who also go that extra step and truly care about us. The nurse that took time out of her day yesterday to sit and have a real conversation with me about my girls and my family, another nurse who goes out of her way to make sure I am comfortable and without want, and even the lactation consultant who talked with me for over an hour not about lactation issues but simply genuinely cared and wanted to hear about my family; these 3 amazing and blessed women along with countless others have all deeply touched my life and added to my little things in life.

When you are a Mother to micro-preemies, caring for them and mothering them quickly becomes ALL about the little things in their life. Basic bonding and care events that I have not fully appreciated with my other children when they were newborns. Sure I enjoyed those little things with my other children when they were so young, but the significance to which the same events have become important to me in the past 48 hours goes well beyond what I have ever felt before. Simple things like touching my babies, kissing them, changing their diaper, or even just caring for their little umbilical cord. Basic newborn care events that can become routine or even inconvenient outside the scope of our situation. Every fiber of my Mothering instinct wants to be able to clean their umbilical cord, give them their first sponge baths, get them dressed, and just kiss all over them. But none of this is possible right now.

I was blessed last night as I sat with Britian talking to her, singing to her, and journaling her first couple of days of life. I was blessed by her night nurse. Her nurse graciously offered to let me help with some of her basic care needs. For the first time in her short life I got to hold my baby girl, at less than 2 pounds, fully supported in my hands as we weighed her tiny little body. I also got to change her ultra tiny diaper which was beautifully filled with an early bowel movement. I soaked in every precious moment of changing and cleaning her beautiful little backside. I was also allowed to swab and moisturize her little mouth and take her temperature. All such basic care necessities that take on a whole new level of importance when the simple fact that my girls are alive is an earth shattering miracle.

Yesterday I also read my girls their first board books. Of course I profusely cried before I even muttered the first soft word to each of them. This precious and forever treasured moment would not have happened yesterday had it not been for Britian's incredibly caring night nurse. She offered to find me some reading books and I jumped at her offer. Even now as I draft this post the specialness of that moment is not lost of me, tears are flowing from my eyes. Britian's first book was "Little Gorilla" by Ruth Bornstein and to Jillian I read "On the Night You Were Born" by Nancy Tillman. Both books were so perfectly written for our situation. The specialness of being able to read to my girls at their bedside coupled with the message in each of the books was overwhelming so I wept as I shared those moments with my girls.

And the biggest "little thing" that I was blessed with yesterday was getting to see one of Britian's eyes open. Both of my girls' eyes were still fused shut, much like little kittens at birth, when they were born. Prior to last night I had not been able to look into my baby's eyes, such a basic event in other new Mothers lives that many never even think to appreciate the importance of that event. The scope of this precious moment will never be lost on me again. As Britian's night nurse and I were taking care of some of her basic needs we were able to take her bili mask off. While I changed her diaper she opened her right eye and my whole world stopped. Nothing else mattered at that moment. I was looking at my daughter's tiny little eye and she was looking into mine, I was overwhelmed. So tiny but still so perfectly made.

It is All About the Little Things in Life

Our Baby Girls Are Here!!

Britian's hand grasping my finger

At 26 weeks and 5 days, on February 9th, 2011 at 9:37pm and 9:38pm respectively, Britian Dorothy Mae and Jillian Elaine Marie entered this world ready for the fight of their life.

Before I tell their story, I first want to thank all the prayer warriors that have lifted my girls and I up in prayer. They have the fight of their life ahead of them and can still use your continual thoughts and prayers.

Now for their story: At approximately 4pm on Wednesday 2/9 after a long day running errands I realized that I had not felt either girl move all day and could not remember them moving on Tuesday the day before either. I have been battling a head and chest cold and not been moving a lot myself so it didn't even cross my mind about their movement on Tuesday. When I laid down to count their kicks at 4pm on Wednesday I didn't feel anything, not even a hint of movement. Now I have to tell you that I am normally the type to talk myself out of these early pregnancy concerns. Even with this pregnancy I have talked myself out of other concerns I had and not called my OB, nothing to this scale, but more along the lines of contractions and nausea etc. Wednesday though those thoughts never even crossed my mind, I simply called knowing that not feeling them move at all was a real reason for concern. As I reflect upon this simple decision more, I know it was God telling me it was the right thing to do. He gave me the knowledge and confidence that I was doing what I needed for my girls.

Britian Dorothy Mae

By the time I got ahold of my doctor's office it was just after 5pm and they had just switched over to "after hours". So I was sent to labor and delivery at our local hospital where I would have delivered normally at full-term; about a 40 minute drive from my house in the country. My husband and I arrived at L&D just after 6pm. Shortly after 6pm my girls were on the ultrasound to check for heart rate and movement. Honestly, this was as far as I was expecting my L&D adventure to go. They were alive so all was well. I couldn't have been farther from the truth. After monitoring their heart rates for a while the realized that Britian was not having variations in her heartrate, known as accelerations and decelerations. Her heart rate tracing was a flat line compared to Jillian's tracing which was more of a typical wavy line with accels and decels. They gave me some oxygen hoping to wake up Britian. No luck.

Jillian Elaine Marie

After seeing no change in Britian's heart rate the bigger and more advanced ultrasound machine was called up to check on the girls. Most notably from that u/s was that Britian had a ton of fluid around her in her amniotic sac and also had a huge bladder and possible kidney issues. Jillian on the other hand had little to no fluid around her. Although at the time diagnosis' were not given, it now appears that within 2-3 days my girls had developed acute twin-to-twin transfusion. 3 weeks prior they were otherwise fine and I think it was only within the past 2-3 precious days because my belly discomfort shot through the roof in that time period. I simply thought it was because they were going through a growth spurt, but I now know it was because of all the fluid in my belly. In 3 weeks my fundal height increased 11cm, I was 38cm when I delivered last night. 3 weeks prior I was only 27cm.

Britian and Mommy

Because of Britian's combined conditions the OB on call made the tough decision to deliver my girls. Later she told me that even minutes before surgery she was still questioning her decision. However, once she cut into me she knew she had made the right decision and even thought that she should have rushed me to surgery and hour or more before when she actually did. As she cut into the amniotic fluid shot to the ceiling, there was so much and under so much pressure. Also, ironically on the heart rate tracing Jillian "looked" better but in reality she was and still is the more critical of the two. She did not have a heart beat for the first 20 minutes of her life and received CPR for about the first 45 minutes of her precious life. Britian on the other hand "looks" more developed. She was very swollen with fluid at birth. Her belly was basically one huge oval whereas her sister was just all skin and bones. Now, almost 24 hours after birth her swelling has gone down and she resembles Jillian much more. Both girls' eyelids are still fused shut which is odd. Fused eyelids is more of a 23-weeker characteristic, at 26-weekers their eyes should have opened by now. At approximately 1:30am CST the girls were driven by ambulance from the hospital we delivered at to the closest level 3 NICU, nearly 2 hours from our home. There was concern that Jillian would not survive the drive but thankfully she did.

Jillian's hand grasping my finger

Early this morning, 2/10 I got a call from the girls' on call NICU Dr. saying that Jillian had crashed and was not doing well at all. She was at basically room air oxygen saturation but suddenly crashed and had low blood count as well as low blood pressure. They wanted to know when I would be able to get to see them, there was extreme urgency because Jillian may not be alive for much longer. At this time my OB post partum staff went into over drive. After waiting for insurance approval and receiving a few updated vaccines myself I was loaded into a transport ambulance and brought here to be with them and finish my own recovery.

In an answer to prayers Jillian was alive when I arrived. To date she has received a few blood transfusions and will probably continue to do so because of low hemoglobin. She is also being treated for low level jaundice. Britian will most likely get the bili lights at some point too because a preemie with out a touch of jaundice at some point is almost unheard of. I have been to see the girls quite a bit today along with my husband. I have been able to touch them both, what a blessing that has been. They both seem to be responding to my voice as well, Britian more so than her sister but Jillian is still fighting harder than Britian so her less movement is understandable.

Jillian covered with saran wrap over her to keep her skin hydrated

Blessings for today include: they have both survived (almost) their first 24 hours (we are 1.5 hours away from 24 hours post delivery). Also, preliminary scans of Jillian's head is not showing any bleeding which was a huge concern earlier today.

Britian's bladder and kidneys are still larger than normal but she is peeing a good deal as well. She may have urinary reflux. But in contrast to everything else that could be wrong with her, I will take renal surgery down the road compared to the alternatives

On a personal side of this event I had a vertical c/s incision because of the emergency surgery. Also, I was put to sleep instead of receiving an epidural. During surgery I woke up, it felt like coming out of a deep sleep dream. I could feel my OB tugging on my belly, I couldn't talk because of the breathing tube down my throat, and worst of all I could hear the OR staff counting CPR compressions on my baby Jillian. Knowing how fragile how she was that caused an immediate sense of panic but I couldn't do anything about it. I started shaking my head and gagging on the breathing tube to let the OR staff know that I was waking up. I heard them call the anesthesiologist over to give me more medicine. At 11pm I woke up from surgery.

Again, I want to thank everyone who is praying for my girls. The outpouring of love, prayers, and well wishes has been overwhelming. It will be a very long road for my little girls, but I am hopeful that they will continue to improve.

26 week picture and a few thoughts on pregnancy

I have made it to 26 weeks with the twins!! 6 1/2 months complete of this amazing journey. I know I've said it before here on this blog, but it bears repeating; being pregnant with twins is a whole new experience. I am also at the point in my pregnancy where the scope of this adventure is at times overwhelming. The thought and soon to be reality of bringing home not one but two newborns is just a tad bit frightening, much more than a tad bit if I am honest with myself. I am frightened but excited and elated all at the same time. Just the thought of being up with my two girls in the middle of the night, just the 3 of us while the rest of the house sleeps peacefully is exciting. I treasure those quiet moments with my babies as I rock them in the dark and listen to their sweet nursing sounds. I loved it with my 2 other children, I am thoroughly looking forward to those blessed moments with my beautiful little girls.

I think my size is starting to overwhelm my husband. As we were out and about in town today he kept glancing at my belly with a look I have never seen in his face before. Not a look of disgust or anything otherwise bad. Just a look of "holy cow, my wife is getting huge". I asked him about his new look at one point during lunch today and he confirmed that yes indeed that was what he was thinking but his thoughts went a little further than that as well. Along with being amazed at how big I am he is dumb founded with the thought of how much bigger I am going to get. Keep in mind, I hopefully have another 10 weeks or more to go. Fingers crossed. I am not tall by any means and being that my husband is 6'4" I always looks huge when I am in the late stages of my pregnancies. I have a short torso on a 5'2" frame so my babies have no where to go but out. Now with 2 precious blessings growing inside, the thought of how large I am going to get overwhelms even me at times. I feel incredibly blessed!

When I start to wallow in the challenges this pregnancy has presented or might present down the road I am reminded of how far we came to get here and also of all the women who are desperately trying to add to (or begin) a family. I met a dear sweet woman at the book store today. She is a c-section nurse at the hospital where I will be delivering (total coincidence) and she told me she has been trying for 2 years to start a family and their next step was IVF. My heart ached for her, I wish there was an easier answer. Although our infertility struggles were short compared to hers, my heart still wrenches at the emotional journey she has been on.

Count your blessings and say your prayers if you have never struggled with getting pregnant or if you have the family size you have always dreamed about. You are blessed!

Now I am off to put my feet up, drink my Chamomile, and read my new book "When You Are Expecting Twins, Triplets, or Quads" by Dr. Luke.

Funny thing I read about twins

My copy of It's Twins! by Susan. M Heim arrived in the mail today. I am devouring the pages.

I just came across a hilarious response to a common twin question that I just had to share with you all. Hopefully it makes you laugh as hard as I did.

Question from stranger: "A girl and a boy. Oh, you are so lucky; you've got the best of both worlds. Are they identical?"

Response from you: "No, actually, my son was born with a penis and my daughter thank the Lord, was not."

Am I the only one that thought this was hilarious? ;)

24 weeks means viability

Today marks the date that the girls are considered "viable".  Really it is an ugly term but it has so much meaning and importance. Basically it translates to the fact that after 24 weeks my girls have a better chance of surviving pre-term delivery. Of course I want them to "cook" for a lot longer but knowing that their odds of survival have gone up now that I am past 24 weeks puts my mind a little more at ease. For Moms of multiples, the point of viability has special meaning.

Lots of packages for the twins today

I am in online shopping heaven right now!! 4 packages arrived in the mail today, all for the twins. One was a surprise gift but the other 3 were things I bought a few weeks ago that finally arrived. I am so excited!! Not only did 6 of my cloth diapers arrive and they are adorable in perfect condition but the covers I bought for them also arrived. Of the things I bought myself I am SUPER DUPER excited about the diaper bag. I bought a new Vera Bradley Get Carried Away Tote bag for my diaper bag. I got the super cute night and day pattern. Let me tell you, this bag is enormous!! But I love how it is organized. No it doesn't have all the typical bells and whistles of a diaper bag, i.e. bottle pouches, plastic liner, changing pad, etc. But the cost of this bag and it's size far outweighed my other diaper bag options geared more towards twins. There are plenty of pockets to stash things like bottles if I end up pumping, I can also just add one of the changing pads from an older diaper bag to this new bag. The inside size is beyond huge, I can only imagine how heavy it will be when I pack it full with 2 of everything so we can venture out and about. I love it though, I can't wait to be able to put it to good use!

I love the adorable matching onesies 3 packs and bibs that my dear friend Jenn and her daughters sent for the twins. Not only are they in cute pink colors but they have Zebra's and other safari animals on them, so cute!! Thanks again Jenn!!

Praying for 16 more weeks

I have quickly come to realize that when you are pregnant with twins every week that they are safely growing inside your belly is a huge milestone. Having uncomplicated pregnancies with my singletons, this was a fact that I took for granted. Carrying twins though raises this importance to the Nth degree. Every week has brought new changes to my body. These changes are similar to carrying a singleton but they are compounded a million times because of the number of babies and the fact that I am petite.

What does carrying twins look like on a 5'2" small framed woman? Well, when I am fully clothed it isn't so bad. I just look like I am due any day now. Under the clothes is a whole other story! A blanket of stretch marks has been laid clear across my belly beginning on one side where my belly meets my back and stretches clear across to the other side. The extra almost 20 pounds that I have gained so far has been distributed in such lovely places like my neck, arms, and thighs. My blood volume is now equal to a full term singleton pregnancy. My heart is working at the equivalency of running a marathon when I am sitting still.

Despite these and other challenges of carrying twins I am still in awe at this amazing blessing I get to experience. I have dreamed about being a Mother of twins since I was a young teenager. I have no idea why I would dream and wish for something like that at such a young age but I did. Perhaps it was God telling me that if I came to know him that he would bless me.

I am 22 weeks pregnant today. I am praying for 16 more weeks.

A cute little twin poem

Two by two here they come

Having twins is so much fun

Two little girls are on their way come celebrate before the big day! 

Four lil arms to hold tight

Four little cheeks to kiss night-night

Double the hands and double the sleep

We're gettin ready for double no sleep

Two lil babies from Heaven above

God is belssing us with twins to love. ♥

Obviously this poem is more suited for a baby shower, but I thought it was cute nonetheless.

Our vasectomy reversal journey

3D of Baby B, 19w4D

From August 2007 to February 2010 my husband and I used a vasectomy as our means of contraception and family planning. Considering the stress that was in our lives and our marriage in those early years of the vasectomy we didn't give the choice a second thought. However, God had other plans for my marriage and family. First came a 180 degree improvement in my marriage thanks to a lot of hard work on our part and an even bigger helping hand from Him.

After those issues were fixed God began working on our heart regarding our choice for family planning. Sometime in the Spring of 2009 my husband and I began seriously reconsidering our vasectomy choice and began our vasectomy reversal journey (vasovasostomy). I wish I had known way back then what an emotional journey we were about to embark upon. I suppose all the trials and tribulations were little tests of our true faith.

Our journey began with heartache and frustration. My husband met with the urologist that did his vasectomy and while he found out that because we were under the 5 year mark we were excellent candidates for a successful reversal. Bad part, reversals are not covered by insurance and we were going to have to pay upward of $5000. Where in the world were we going to find that kind of money? My hopes we dashed. I can distinctly remember sitting in my car after a shopping trip to a local plant nursery crying my eyes out from frustration. I honestly thought this would be an easy process. Get it reversed, assumed it would be covered by insurance, and we'd be well on our way to growing our family the way God intended and commanded in scripture. Boy was I wrong!

After the discovery that we'd have to pay for the surgery ourselves we came up with a budget and began scrimping in other areas of our expenses whenever and wherever possible. God's hand was upon us once again when he put me in touch with another homeschool Mom on the same journey towards a vasectomy reversal. She was a wealth of information, stuff I hadn't even considered. I felt truly blessed the day she emailed me without prompting and offered up her invaluable advice. I spoke with this wonderful via email in late 2009/early 2010. As a result of that conversation we found a wonderful Dr. in Texas who has a reversal ministry and does micro-vasosostomy for a fraction of the cost we had originally budgeted for. Because of our budgeting and saving we had about 95% of the costs including travel expenses saved. I called the Dr.'s office in January 2010 to inquire about their procedures, costs, requirements, etc. At that time they were scheduling about 3 months out however, as if God's hand was upon us yet again they had 1 opening 2 weeks from the date that I spoke with her. I quickly called my husband to see if that date was ok with him and he said yes. Almost overnight I went from dispair to elation, we were one step closer to making our vasectomy reversal a reality and we weren't going to go in debt because of it. Oh how far we'd come from crying in the plant nursery parking lot!

With arrangements made we were off to Texas to make God's plan for our family a reality. I thought we were golden, end of story. Bada bing, bada boom. We'd have the reversal, get pregnant and be well on our way. Little did I know that the most difficult and emotional part of our journey still lay ahead of us.

The surgery itself went very well. As a Christian ministry, the Dr. and his staff said a prayer over my husband before surgery started. I was allowed to stand/sit at my husband's head and comfort his as best I could during the surgery. Being a biologist, I was also intrigued to be able to watch the surgery up close. Certainly a memorable experience. My poor husband was in a lot of pain after the surgery with the plane trip home being the hardest part. He is a trooper though and made it through as best he could. I know his discomfort level went down a lot when we took his stitches out.

Much to our surprise and against Dr.'s orders 3 weeks later we found out we were pregnant. We were elated! See, I knew this would be an easy journey once the reversal was completed. Boy was I wrong! I miscarried the very same day I tested positive. Crushed, disappointed, frustrated, confused; none of it can even begin to describe the range of emotions I was experiencing. As a couple we had never had any problems getting pregnant or staying pregnant. I knew I was fortunate in that regard but honestly took a lot of it for granted. I had friends who struggled month after month to get pregnant, I told them I understood but in reality I didn't. You can't truly understand or appreciate emotional struggles until you experience them yourself.

My miscarriage was painful physically and emotionally. I tried my best to pick myself up and move on. I had no reason to believe that we wouldn't be pregnant in another month or two at most. I miscarried on a Saturday and the following Sunday while at church a dear friend of mine loaned me the book A Mom Just Like You by Vickie Farris (wife of HSLDA's founder Michael Farris). It is a book mainly on homeschooling from a Mom's real life point of view but Vickie also struggled with miscarriage after deciding to follow scripture regarding birth control. When my dear friend mentioned that Vickie was a homeschool Mom who struggled with miscarriage after opening her heart to God's will for her family I BURST out in tears; we were in our adult Sunday school class so this was not an easy event to hide from others. We both immediately knew that her willingness to loan me the book unprompted was God's doing. What a blessing that book was for me on my journey. After devouring that book in a day I moved onto other books with a similar theme; following God's will for birth control as dictated in scripture. The books I read were all written by real Moms on real journeys. What a blessing those words of advice were to me at a time of grieving and severe frustration.

In May 2010 when we still were not pregnant I kindly asked my husband to make another appointment with his urologist to have his sperm tested. I really wanted to know what (if anything) was causing our inability to get pregnant so easily like the times before. I was afraid his tubes had grown back together or he had torn one or both of them picking up our toddler inadvertently those first few weeks of his recovery. The results of his testing showed that his numbers were good but the little guys didn't want to swim. I also had my own suspicions about my fertility. In the 4 years since last giving birth and more prominently since my miscarriage I had noticed a change in my own body. I began to doubt I was ovulating and I knew my "moisture level" down there wasn't like it had been in the years past. Combining all these factors, all I could think was that the cards were stacked against us. All I could think is "God, why did you bring us down this road only to close the doors to allowing us to conceive and successfully carry to term?". Yes, He was testing my faith. I was failing his test miserably! Feeling led to research natural methods to remedy our problems I came upon some great websites that helped me develop a plan. In June 2010 my husband and I both began taking supplements to help with our fertility challenges. Again, I was hopeful that we'd be back on track and conceive easily. The supplements I began taking showed an improvement almost immediately. Men are different. It typically takes 3 months for their supplements to make a difference in their swimmers, just by nature of their biology. Despite knowing this, month after month ticked by with more frustration and tears. When my cycle arrived in August I was at the end of my emotional ropes. I cried, moped around the house, and finally just gave up. I prayed a very long prayer and gave it all up to Him. I was no longer going to get my hopes up each month only to have them dashed every 4 weeks.

I no longer had expectations for conceiving. I began to think that perhaps this long journey was just a test of faith. God wanted to see how far we were willing to follow his calling for our lives. I thought perhaps He really never had any intention of allowing us to actually grow our family like we had hoped. I quickly settled back into my routine with my 3 kids. I ramped up our homeschool work and was content with where we were as a family of 5.

When the last weekend in August rolled around I held out no hopes for a positive pregnancy test. However, when the day I was due for my cycle came and went I started to get suspicious. We were in the middle of the house buying process though and just assumed I was stressed. I have skipped a cycle once before without being pregnant about 7 years ago so I knew it was possible. I was due on a Friday so when Saturday and Sunday rolled around without a trace I knew I was going to have to test just to make sure I wasn't, which I had already assumed it would be negative. But as any woman who is trying to get pregnant will tell you, you ALWAYS have a slight hope for a positive even despite all the negative thinking and convincing otherwise that we all do to ourselves. Monday morning, Labor day 2010 I woke up early to test. As with my other 2 pregnancies the pink line was almost immediate. It was faint though and I questioned myself if I was seeing things. Holding the test closer to the window I realized I wasn't just imagining things. I crept back up upstairs and woke my husband up with the good news. It was exactly 3 months since first starting our supplements. It had worked!

I was excited but also nervous considering our earlier loss. I tried my best to comfort myself with the knowledge that even on the day of testing, I was farther along with this pregnancy than I was when I lost the baby earlier this year. Everyday I stayed pregnant I said a prayer of thanks and asked for just one more day of being pregnant. Was our journey to growing our family really over? Had we actually made it through the storm successfully? I could hardly believe the road we had traveled. I had felt alone and frustrated but once we were through it I knew God was with me every step of the way, he never left, but rather carried me through the rougher patches of the journey.

I am encouraged and hopeful for 2 other homeschool Moms I know who are on a similar vasectomy reversal journey. And to anyone else out there that might be reading this, whether you are considering a reversal or are in the low spots of this journey please do not give up hope. No matter the end result, you are following God's will for your family as commanded by scripture.

I am also happy to announce that not only are we expecting one blessing but rather 2 beautiful blessings. God has blessed us with so far healthy identical twin girls! The journey is clearly not over yet, God has big plans for my family. I am excited to see what those plans include being a Mom to twins.

If you are considering a vasectomy reversal and would like more information please do not hesitate to contact me. I am more than happy to share any and all information I have to provide, including the Dr. and his wonderful ministry that made all this financially possible.

UPDATE:
 Due to the tremendous outpouring of response I have received from this post I want to also include the primary source I used when researching supplements to help with our infertility problems. Natural Fertility Info

From 3 to 5 kids in an instant!

If you are friends with me on facebook you already know the recent news but for those of you who I haven't connected with yet on FB I am excited to share our most recent life changing news with all of you.

The Monday before Christmas was my standard 20 week ultrasound appointment and OB checkup. Within an instant of the ultrasound beginning our entire world was turned upside down and doubly blessed. I am overwhelmingly excited to announce that we are expecting twin girls, most likely identical.

I had my suspicions with this pregnancy but never in my wildest dreams did I think my suspicions were correct. I chalked up my extreme nausea to being older (it has been 4 years since my last pregnancy so a lot can change hormonally), my overwhelming exhaustion was also due to being older, and my bigger then normal belly was because this is pregnancy #3. See I had reasonable excuses for everything different I was experiencing. When my nausea started to diminish around week 14 I really knew it couldn't be twins, wouldn't I be sicker longer than with my singletons if I really was carrying twins? Apparently not. I started feeling undeniable movements at week 13 and had inklings of movement a few weeks before then. I felt my singletons move for the first time closer to week 16 or so. Lastly, at about week 15 or so I could feel two definite "hard" areas in my belly. One low like I would expect and another on my right side. Yet again, I had a reason. I was just having a bigger than normal baby. My husband is over a foot taller than I am so this was a plausible explanation.

My husband and I joked back and forth a few times in the weeks leading up to my 20 week appointment about twins. Never in our wildest dreams did we think it would be true. I have to admit though, in all honesty, being a mother of twins is something I have day dreamed about since I was a young teenager. Not really sure why that is, it is just something I thought would be interesting, different, and definitely a fun life experience. My husband has always known I've dreamed about twins but like me never really thought it would ever be reality.

God clearly has an interesting plan for our lives! I am excited to unravel the chapters of our life that lay ahead.

In a post later this week I will tell the story of how this pregnancy might never have been. His hand is clearly elbow deep in our lives, not merely laying upon it!